rachel wretched

I think I'm starved for touch.


No pun intended.

I wish I wrote more on this thing. I just never seem to have the time or energy. And I feel like if I post something it'll just be a list of explicatives or something depressing.

Today wasn't bad though. I got to leave school early and go up to a theater class.
I love theater.

So that was way way way fun. But now I have to prepare for an audition, and I'm nervous.
I got to see this really gorgeous guy, Robbie, that I used to like a lot, even though he's engaged. Now I'll just journal about lust and how I want him to have an affair with me :PP
That's bad, right? Anyways, he reminds me so much of Ian, who I'm basically in love with and never get to see.
Would I cheat on Ian with him? I dunno. He's so cute. And just amazing. I'm a terrible person.


But seeing as I'm going to hell anyway...

Warped Tour was today. It was great. I'll blog about it later.


Ate:
protein bar= 275.
4 cheeses= 180.
carrots=30.
tuna cuban= 300?

total: 785.


easily burned that much and more at warped.





I miss Ryan :[[[[[[[[[[[

I don't want to go to warped tour. I don't want to paint my room. I don't want to hang out with anyone. I don't want to be near my mom. I don't even want to type this.
I just want to sit and cry. I just want to be skinny. I just want to be pretty. Why is that so terrible? Why is it so hard?

I'm so ugly. I'm repulsive. I can't even describe how much I cringe at my reflection, how much I despise my body, how ugly I am.

No matter what I do, it seems to always be getting worse.

and now Warped Tour is tomorrow, and I don't want to go. I don't want to spend all day with James and Octavio. I don't want to be subjected to thousands of cute boys I'll never have. I don't want to see all the gorgeous skinny girls that I'll never be. I don't want to listen to music. I don't want to sing. I don't want to jump up and down in the crowd. I don't want to scream. I just want to rot. I want to sit in my room, in the dark, and rot. I want to cry and rot. I want to waste away. I'll come out when I'm thin enough. I'm not worth anything. I hate feeling like this!!!!

I'm so ugly. It gets worse every time I look in the mirror. Am I joking myself? What kind of abhorrent creature am I? I don't ever want to go outside again. The gym & home, that should be all I'm allowed.

I guess I should go to bed. Or shower and then lie in bed crying and staring into space.

Today I hadddd...
Green tea at about 10 AM?

Then about 10 or so carrots and a baby bell cheese around 1.30 maybe?= <75cals.
when I got home I had more carrots=30cals.
melon= 100 cals?
tuna= 130 cals?
and cherries= 200 cals?

altogether that's 460+75 is... 535. hah, that's almost my address.
so roughly 600 calories. that's a huge estimate. in case I got portions wrong or calories wrong, and if I did I hopefully over estimated. but I had protein. in the... cheese... my mother is obsessed with protein.

ummmm, I should workout, but it's almost 8 oclock and I really don't feel like it, we've been walking alllll dayy. I really wanna go to walmart and get keys >:|

Warped tour is tomorrow and i DON'T want to go. At all.

ick.


I hate my hair.

i didn't get on the scale today= too scared.

Somehow I think I must be kidding myself. Somehow I think that if I lose weight that will be the end of my problems, and in some way, it will be. I'll have to find something else to live for I guess. I'll have more time, and less worry. I'd have confidence. I think above all what I want is to be pretty. And I think that losing weight will make me pretty.

I mean, I would uncover my beautiful cheekbones and get rid of that ucky turkey neck thing. and show my pretty arms and my muscles :DDDD
I've been working on those. I think ribs and hipbones are gorgeousss. I want to see mine. I've never met them before.

and my collarbone. it wants to come out. I can barely see it. I wanna see my breastbone. and my thin shoulders. Also, I want to define those goddamn back dimples. I have them sometimes.

and I don't want wiggly arms anymore. I don't want my stomach to jiggle so bad. I wanna look pretty in a bikini. like, I have the perfect body in mind, and I want it so bad. I can just FEEL it. I can feel it there, I just have to chisel away at the ugly fat before I get to it.
And I'm willing to do that.


I have to write down everything I eat every day. and analyze it. PLUS. write out a meal plan for the next day. and I write down how much exercise I do.

TODAY. I ate strawberries (50 cals), cherries (100 cals), peanuts & s. seeds (300 cals), a tuna sandwich (300 cals), and watermelon (200 cals)
TOTAL : 950 (damnit)
but I went to the gym and burned 300 (cardio), plus however many you burn with weight training.

I could also try and purge those last. like 500... but i haven't decided if I want to. well I really want to. but I don't know if I can.

blah decisions, decisions.
tomorrow's plan is:

B: green tea (0cals)
we're going to the mall and stuff so... water water water water all day. and I'm going to bring a bag of carrots maybe to snack on if I want.

when I get home for dinner: cup of soup (45 cals)
so my total will be depending on if I eat the carrots or not, and whatever else I get my hands on.
I'm going to have control tomorrow, I WILL NOT screw up. Warped tour is friday.
2 days away!

ACKKK.

How how how how how how how could I be up to 148?
HOW. All I've eaten today is strawberries. At the most 20. A couple of cups of grapes. Probably 3?
10 baby carrots. and chickfila ice cream. Shit. I hate myself.
That shouldn't be enough calories for me to gain?!?!? I should've fucking LOST from my hardcore workout yesterday. NOT GAIN. I shouldn't have gained! How could i have gained?
not like it really matters. I'm a fat shit anyway. A fucktard loser. I hate myself. Hate hate hate hate. This week was supposed to be good!! How can you fucking fuck up like this?

Why am I so fat anyway?!? Why? Yeah, that'd be GOD'S fault. and I fucking HATE him. I hate him so much. and I hate that my mom's always talking about God and "Jesus" and blah blah blah, the bible and church and it's all so wonderful. Well back in reality, God sucks and so does my life.

I actually thought I was looking thinner this morning.
NO. You'll never be thinner. Not if you keep fucking up. Stupid. You're worthless. You're terrible.

Now off to look at thinspo and collect some more. I need all the inspiration I can get. I'm such an abhorrent creature. Not even worth the internet space.

I'm having a terrible day, and I don't know why. I just decided to stare in the mirror for hours. and I'm just tearing apart my image and hating everything. None of my fat is gone, it's all there, I look even FATTER than when I started. I feel so gross. I feel so heavy. I feel so worthless.

I was doing my hair and nothing I do to it looks good. My makeup is horrid, but it's not the makeup's fault. It's my face. It's so ugly and fat and disproportionate. I should be happy I guess, I'm at 144.5 today. Or at least I was. but that means I didn't lose anything from my huge workout thing, and I'm always hungry, how can I not be losing????

And it scares me, it scares me to think about my life. How will I ever go back to eating? Like I think about my life now, and I get up at 10-11ish, and don't eat until around 3. and then I just don't eat the rest of the day. Now am I going to stick with that for the rest of my life??? How can I change that without gaining weight?!? How can I change myself to where I'm hungry, or I don't love my hunger pangs so much that I want to eat?
Will I be this way forever? It seems so. But I can be happy like this. As long as I get down to my goal weight. I can be happy. I can be fulfilled. I don't need 1500 calories a day to function. Sure I'll probably die at 20 something or 30 from lack of nutrition, or my body having to work too hard because I'm not eating enough. But if I ate "enough" I'd gain weight.

I just want to cry. I'm so ugly. I hate being fat.

oh, this is a schizo post, but my philosophy now that seems to have been working, and it's kinda the reason for my binge last night. but anyways. I like make myself sick on some food, and then I never want to eat it again. its my fix for like... ever.
since I binged on pretzels and felt so gross and sick, I haven't eaten them again, and I have NO cravings. I even sat there... got my sister the pretzels, watched her eat them, and took them and sat them next to me. and I didn't even want them!!! I was so turned off!!!
and that happened with raisins too. I got sick of them, we haven't bought them since, and I have ZERO cravings. and now pb&j. YAYYY. I have no cravings for it. considering I ate enough to feed an entire mosh pit of hardcore kids. golly. and I LOST weight haha.

I love cheating the system. purging is like an undo button. but from now on I'm just keeping it for special occasions :///
it's not good for me. because I want to singgggg I love singing. It makes me happy. and I love my teeth, I have to take care of them.


<3333333333
I'm so happy.
lol, it's probably just the endorphins from working out so much.

Today was good. So good. I find myself like disgusted with food actually. and my hunger can't be satiated with food, only more hunger. it's weird. I think I'm actually developing more anorexia than bulimia. which is good, because I don't want to be a plump crazy kid. I wanna be skinny :]
well... I'd rather not be messed up at all. but... ugh, I'm stupid.

anywho. like I said today was SO good. I got up at like... 10.30? and I felt good. I went downstairs a couple hours later and I was down to 146. even after my 5 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that I had last night. Did I post about that? I don't think I did. yeah, last night, at like... 1AM I got a jar of peanut butter, the thing of jelly, and the loaf of bread. and I sat in front of the tv and just kept making sandwiches and eating pb&j and it was so gross. then I drank 5 water bottles and purged all that shit up. it felt really good... I have to admit. purging again. it's been so long. and it was easy. anywho.

then a couple hours later I went up and weighed again (after a bunch of water and such) and I was down to 144.5!!!!
then I had 7 strawberries, a bowl of grapes, and 50 some cherries. and 2 cups of green tea.

I haven't weighed since then, but I went to the gym. and ran on the treadmill, yes, RAN :DD
and I burned over 400 cals doing cardio. and then I did a bunch of weight training.
and d00d, I love my legs. I really do. they're hot. except that fat pad on the inner thigh. but I'm so going to ZAP that away. gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. I can't wait to weigh in tomorrow.
I don't want to do it now. but I think I'll go jacuzziii. because I'm so friggin soreee.

Warped Tour is friday. I'll probably see Asa who I haven't seen in three years. I have to look good. seriously. like, I just feel like wasting away. and I'm so friggin excited. to lose weight. to not eat. to just be pretty. I can feel it. I'm craving it. I love it. I love laying on my side and feeling my ribs and hipbones. I love stretching out in the mirror and sucking and it being concave. Ahhhhhh I long for this fat to just fall off.
hmmmm I love not eating. I love feeling thin. I love losing weight. and if this is what it is. I love my eating disorder. I love feeling good. I love working out. I love boys. they're cute. I need to meet some new ones. gah. okay. long post.

to hate myself this much.

I just went downstairs and ate a salad. with feta cheese. and onions. and carrots.
and a piece of salmon.

ew. I'm so gross. I hate myself. I hate food. I'll never be skinny.
I hate my mom. I hate god. I hate my life.

I look like a friggin monster. What is wrong with me?
I have nothing to do so I just sit here and stare at the wall, waiting for some idea or just waiting for time to pass. I hate this. I hate my mom so much. I just hate her! She's always talking about fucking Jesus, and God and all that shit and I'm SICK of it!!! She needs to just shut up. I don't want to hear about that stuff, I DON'T CARE. I'm done with church, and christians, and "happiness". I'm sick of bible verses and long sermons, mission trips, and stupid dramas. I'm getting rid of all the lies, the tears, the two-faced backstabbers that like you one Sunday and are fucking your boyfriend the next. They'll say anything to get attention, or make you think they actually care. They go because their parents make them, they smile because they're making fun of you, they're a part of one circle, one clique, that couldn't possibly make even the littlest small talk with anyone outside their friend link, or anyone that looks different from them.
I'm sorry I don't shop at hollister. I'm sorry I don't have a coach purse. I'm sorry my makeup is a little more flamboyant, and my eyeliner is a little thicker. I'm sorry I wear my hair backcombed and straight. I'm sorry I'm interested in rock bands instead of your brainless rap. I'm sorry I have a backbone and I'll stand up and say what I think. I'm sorry I like wearing what some would call "loud clothing", it's just creative. I'm sorry I don't wear flare jeans. I have more to my wardrobe than tight fitting shorts that go up my butt crack. I'm sorry I don't let boys have a taste of my breasts every time I lean over. I'm sorry I have a high GPA or some common sense. I'm sorry I'm fat. No really, I am sorry. I'm sorry I like to think and I can't focus with the splitting headache you're incessant laughing. I'm sorry I'm not good enough to be called your "BFF". Poor me.

But you should be sorry. You should be sorry that I have to wear a huge jacket in the 90 degree heat. I have to wear a jacket to hide my fresh bleeding cuts. You should be sorry that I make myself throw up when I eat too much. You should be sorry I sit here, all alone, hurting a million times worse than you and your perfect nails will ever know, and I have no one I can tell. You should be sorry that I have to hide, hate, and suffer while you go on laughing with this weeks boyfriend. You should be sorry that you spend more time on your cell phone than your homework, because someday you'll actually have to lift one of those perfectly manicured fingers, maybe even for me. You should be sorry that my daily meal consists of water, fruit, and maybe if I'm lucky a salad or some protein while you gulf down every sweet in sight. You should be sorry that I'm sitting all alone, while you can't decide which of your 700 friends you want to sit next to. And you should know that there is more out there than your perfectly designed world. You should know that there is pain, sorrow, anguish, loss, and dementia. You should know that someday you may experience the real world, and it won't be perfect. It won't be nice. It won't care if you brought the most friends to church, if you could make your class laugh, or if you were the best at making fun of the outcasts. No, maybe then you'll snap out of this hypnosis and realize the world actually revolves around the sun and other people matter, they aren't there just to serve you and entertain you. Hopefully you'll realize it soon.

I don't even know how to finish this. I didn't plan on writing this much. I just really hate the people in my life right now. I really dislike the way I am. and what's become of me. I wish I hadn't eaten at all. I really hate this.

So today's intake consisted of:
1/2 cantelope
1/4ish watermelon
4 strawberries
1 small piece of salmon
1 salad with feta cheese and onion.
4 (maybe 5?) baby carrots

weight total = 146.5
that was earlier. I'm too scared to get on it now. I suck at life.

I forgot what I was going to say. Gosh darn it >:/
hm. frick.

well I guess this is pointless now. Grr.
I got on the scale this morning and it was 146.5 sooooo long way to go, but it's way better than 152.
god, I can't believe I weigh that much. hopefully I'll get to the 130s by friday (fingers crossed)

I wanna go get good hairspray & some hair wax today.
andddd I want extensions, but I don't think I'll get those.
I wanted to go get GLASSES. because I feel like a freaking bat. I can't see.
but my mom just now told me that she doesn't think the glasses stores are even open today.
stupid sundays. oh well. I organized allll my thinspo. that took forever. but now it's in specific folders. model, real girl, celeb, couples, and reverse thinspo. Icons too. and I have a folder of my favorite ones.

I'm trying to decide whether I should go eat or not. I'm thinking pb&j & an apple.
but I'm not like... starving... not really hungry. I like this light, empty feeling.
and I know I'll feel gross and heavy if I eat. maybe I'll just put it off a little bit longer.
if I put it off until like 7, 8, 9, o:clock then I WON'T be able to eat because you're not supposed to eat after then, cuz your metabolism is like sleeping.

baaaaah.my head hurts. time for some advil.

I haven't felt like this in a long time. I just feel empty, and like... dead. I don't feel anything. I don't feel like doing anything. I just feel like crying. This is the first time I've cried in a really long time. I don't even remember the last time I cried.
Every time I look in the mirror I cry. I'm so gross. and my hair hasn't looked this good in a long time...
I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel just hollow. I can't stand myself. My face, eyes, lips, nose, hair, complexion even. It's morbid. It's disgusting. It's hideous. How can anyone even look at me? How come I get such sick joy from seeing myself cry? I think I look more gorgeous than I ever have right now crying. With my fringe covering my face and just the pale outline of a tear running down my cheek. My face is so repulsively uneven and distorted, it's so sickening. I'd probably puke if I saw a monster like me in public somewhere.

ESPECIALLY if I saw my body. Ew. Just ew. That's the only thing that can even describe my feelings toward my body. It's just... gross. I'm so fat and ugly and detestable. (Thank webster for thesaurus.com) My figure is abhorrent and nauseating. I look like a science experiment gone awry, like a Frankenstein child or an abandoned werewolf taught to be human. Maybe I could be an ogre, and have people chase me with torches and pitchforks to try to kill me. But they never do, they leave me to sulk and soak in my utter worthlessness.

I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate my reflection. I hate my figure. I hate my human nature that feels the need to stuff my face full of something so foul and vile, and then pass it off as "nutrition".
That's sad. It's really just sad.

I had peanut butter and jelly today. A sandwich and then I went back and stuck my fat grubby fingers in there and ate some more.
and I had a carton of strawberries.
and by the time my mom got home the gym was fucking closed.
So I didn't get to workout. UGH. I hate this.

Mmm.. yesterday all I ate was some cherries, strawberries, blackberries, and blueberries. yeah.
I was down to 148.5 this morning.

Then I went out on the jetski, came home, and was craving pb&j.
so I had A LOT. ugh. and a carton of strawberries.
I don't know how many calories that is... but I got on the scale after eating (probably not the smartest thing to do) and I was up to 150. Ugh. I hate myself. and I hate how fat I am. My hair looks pretty cute though ,right now. So only water for the rest of the day. and I'm going to the gym I think, so that'll be good. and I can burn that off.

I saw a seahorse today. it was the coolest thing ever. it was swimming at the top of the water. I thought it was dead at first, and I kept trying to grab it, but then I saw it swimming and figured out it was ALIVE. it was awesome. I'm so like... wow. haha, anywho.

I want a band. so so bad.

High tech stuff. Found out that i weigh 152. I hate myself. I'm not eating tomorrow. I'm only eating salads and fruits until I weigh 139. I feel like a fat blob. Like when i'm walking around, I feel gross, I can feel this disgusting stuff hanging on me, glued to me, it's so ugly. I'm so ugly. I hate myself. Goodnight.

now I'm going to be keeping a food diary online.
because I hate admitting what I ate, so maybe I won't eat it.

TODAY I had:
2 pieces of salmon.
a thing of strawberries.
pineapple.
a COOKIE.
half a sweet potato.
and a handful of carrots.

I had like 10 or so bottles of water.
and a cup of green tea.
some gum too.


Hah, if I don't feel ashamed now, I don't know if I ever will.
GOOD NEWS.
I made myself sick of pretzels. and I'm staying away from raisins.
Those were my 2 addiction foods, and now I'm not addicted anymore :]
only good things can happen now.

so I was actually doing good today, I hadn't eaten all day && we went rafting so I burned abunch of cals. i was planning on coming home and eating, like, pretzels and raisins, that's what I wanted. and I ended up eating pretzels, chocolate covered raisins, pizza, grapes, and COOKIES. I feel so blahhhh. I just purged a little, but I didn't get like anything up, i think I'm going to go try again. would that be good? idk, probably not. I probably didn't even get to 1000 cals, so that means I can't be gaining weight, right?


bahh, anyways, today pretty much sucked. I mean, I could've sucked it up and jsut been happy, but I think it's easier to be depressed and sad and upset and everything you know? I hate it, like after today, I'm not doing that anymore. I'm gunna be happy no matter what. No matter WHAT. I'm going to do it. and maybe I can fast if I do that. haha. anyways. yeah, we got sent to the WRONG place for our rafting, and we had to go down this dumb river that was 50 degrees. I was so friggin cold. and it wasn't even fast. like it was class 2&3s. that's it.

okay.
so.
I'm in love with Mason Musso.
and that's that. he's so gorgeoussss.

I guess I should be happier, you know? Sometimes I just get caught up in things. my life revolves around this eating disorder. I wish I could just eat and not worry about it. I wish I could just be around food and people and not hate them for standing there because I want to gorge myself in peace. all alone. I wish I could sit here and write this, and not keep thinking about how I'm going to go puke my guts out in a matter of minutes. I have so many wishes, and so little answers.

We went to this forest national park thing today. and my sister, my dad, and I hiked the whole thing. and we were the ones that didn't even want to go. haha. we went the whole 2 miles all uphill and over these HUGE rocks and roots. there were bugs on like steroids. and these trees... they were the biggest trees I've ever seen in my entire life and probably will ever see ever again. they were ENORMOUS. but it was fun. I bet I burned major cals. UGH <-----SEE?! I can't do anything without thinking of food, calories, weight, blah blah blah. at least I was still fasting then... I realized I cant fast. I suck at it. Blah. whatever. I always make it to like dinnerish time and I binge like crazy. And right now I went back and binged AGAIN and now i have to purge AGAIN. blah.

we're going white water rafting tomorrow. I'm actually trying to be excited. I want to be excited. I hate being this depressing, sad, lump of nothingness. I just want to be optimistic and make the most of things, i feel like I could do that if I was skinny, ergo, pretty. See, like I think I could've fasted today, it would've been great, but I had to go and eat ,and scour around for something to eat. Ugh, frick.

I still can't wait until i get to go home though. I can't wait til I can sleep in my own bed, tan in the FLORIDA sun, walk for miles and not worry about falling off a cliff, wiggle my toes in the sand, and even avoid the creepy drunk men.

I got this amazing idea for a story today. My dad got me up early && he wanted me to go out on the jetski and "explore" the lake. So I eventually got up and did it. and i was FREEZING. but anyways. I can't wait to write this story. Although I might have to do some research. I don't know. This is going to be my shining moment, I'm going to write an amazing novel. I hope. It'll be good. and I haven't ever read anything like it before, SO therefore, it's all original. and that makes me happy. anyways.
it's late, and I have to get up early so I can get ready and go raftingggggggg. (oh and I'm going to purge) boy oh boy.

I'm trying to decide whether to shave my legs or not tonight. I just got a tan today, and I don't wanna like shave it off. haha, is that dumb????
I don't know what I'll do. hahaha.

peace out :P

so much for no more food today. I stuffed myself. Sweet potato, more grapes, a MOONPIE, and lettuce, and pretzels >:|

goddamnit. I'm fucking fasting for at least 2 days. I want to go for 3. I CAN do it and I will. I will I will I will. I will not eat. I'm a fucking cow, a pig, a lowly disgusting animal, a sewer rat. I hate myself.

God. Josh is so cute. and I'm like fucking eating everything!!! I can't even look skinny and want a guy to look at me. UGHH. Not that he ever would anyway. It's just so weird, I haven't "liked" anyone since Ryan. Shit. He'd never go for me though, just look at me. I'm fat, I swear, I have an ed, I don't believe in God... or I'm not close to Him anymore... I don't know. I'm such a schizo. Well... I still think he's so so so cute, especially his eyes, haha. So pretty. I have to get off soon :// I'm tired.

tomorrow will be better, I won't eat, I'll post thinspo, i'll go walk around the lake AND I'll go tubing/waterskiing/jetskiing/dancing. Mostdefinitely. I will do this. I will lose weight. I will NOW.